My messed up thoughts.

Hi!

I know I haven't posted any post for so long. Like for ages. Well, almost 1 year.
I don't expect people to read my post either, so I'm just gonna write for fun, pretending that I don't know you, and you don't know me, and I don't even know whether or not people would actually read my boring entry.

So I've been busy with my life, pursuing my dreams...I don't know if I shall call it dreams, because I don't really know what my dreams are. There are a lot of things going on in my head right now. I want this..I want that..I want to do this..I want to do that..I just can't decide whats best for me and for everyone. I am easily motivated and demotivated at the same time.

What do I want from my life? I always wonder about that. Sometimes when I work so hard and so bloody hard to achieve what I want, and it goes back to me, what do I get from this? Satisfaction?

Sometimes I wonder, why I am living the life I'm living right now. Yes, life is a choice. But sometimes I wonder why do I choose such life? Sometimes I think my life is like a "good grades" machine. In elementary school, I worked so hard to get straight As in UPSR. Then same goes when I was in high school, I worked my butt off to get straight As in PMR and SPM. Then I entered Intec, I worked bloody hard to get CGPA 3.5 and above to fly to US in a year. And now here I am, in the US, still trying so hard to achieve 4.0 and trying to take the risk on taking 1 major and 3 minors in 4 years.

At first, I wanted to do double degrees because it sounds intriguing enough, like I can't think of a perfect answer why would I want to go double degrees (BBA in Supply Chain Management & BS in Economics), then I had a second thought which is why would I go for double degrees if I will only work in one field in the future. Why would I stress myself out?

Just when I tried to chill out -- maybe I shall do only minor in Economics, which is not a big of a deal, +18 credits, not challenging enough -- I found another minor :Six Sigma. It's completely challenging because I've to take 25 credits more to earn it and I've to take freaking Industrial Engineering courses. People might look at me and say I'm over ambitious, well I guess I am. I am trying to hard to be the outstanding one.

The future scares me. Since I was a kid, I always think of my future. What am I gonna do with my life? Sometimes I am stuck in between being a normal teenager who just wanna have fun and being an adult who has a lot of stressed trying to hold the responsibilities of my own life.

Some people around me might think I can't do it, I'm just being delusional. Life doesn't always go on with my way. Everyone has their own limit, and I shall know mine. Some might say, I won't make it, it's too hard.

Sometimes I wonder, people always say there's no harm in trying, but no one is actually trying to take risks in life. You see a lot of movies and dramas showing people take risks, but the truth is, people are scared on taking risks and chances.

Sometimes what I need is people to believe that I can, even if I can't. Life is full of experiences and to gain experiences, we sometimes made a lot of mistakes, that's how we learn from it. I'm just trying my best, and I know if in the future, if I stop at the halfway, people would say, "I told you so that you can't," and that will hurt my pride.

Perhaps those of you who read this might not understand what am I trying to say; perhaps you do.

Whatever you think of me -- before you try to interpret everything -- one thing is clear enough, you don't know who I am exactly.